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2nd-Apr-2010 10:09 am(no subject)
The last few weeks have passed so quickly! Work is going well.. everyone is great and I'm too busy to be bored. My boss is a prankster and.. basically a 40-ish version of Matt. My crew is just as crazy... So far I love it.. no pissy surgeons yet.. it's a great mix of labor and logic. I love going just as much as I love leaving.

I decided to experiment with prayer. I've been praying for answers as to what I should do about my relationship with Matt.. how I can help him find a practice, etc. I also make aspirations before dreaming .. and I had an odd one last night:

I was with Matt and Omeed.. we were hanging out outside. Omeed told us that on the 22nd, he would be moving to.. I can't remember if it's Pitsburgh or Washington.. but he was moving there to become a cook for Starbuck's... something with the items served there.. I can't remember exactly how he put it. The last thing I remember is asking him if he was sure the job was secure. He said yes, and was pleased.

My dreams have been so different lately. Usually, I see a few images in a row and that's it. For the last week they've played like movies and have been very long. Last night's was the strangest:

Color- perspective changes from 1st to 3rd person throughout the dream

(3rd person)I was pulling into my driveway on a clear day- afternoon. I'm pretty sure it was after work at the hospital (hence the scrubs). (1st person)I noticed a white car parked across the street.. could've been an early nineties Ford. Inside, I saw a black man with long braids; he was watching my house. The dream became lucid.. I knew this was a dream, yet I also felt that I needed to get away from him. So I drove away.. I wasn't sure where I was going (Do I ever?).. I just followed my gut and kept driving.. I noticed the speedometer. I was driving too fast and if I didn't watch it I was going to get pulled over. For some reason I put together that the police were involved with this guy. Lucidly, I thought it didn't make any sense, but continued driving anyhow.

I stopped at Signature Health Care.. it now had two floors. I thought that I would have more hiding places there. I ran in and got behind the nurse's station.. no one noticed because so much was happening at the moment. I waited for what felt like thirty minutes.. (3rd person) I heard heavy foot steps.. the black man and now four white men, stopped that nice blond nurse and asked if anyone had seen me (he described me). She hadn't been to the nurse's station, so she didn't know I was there. As he showed her some kind of badge, he asked if they could search the place anyway. She let them. (1st person) I felt them pass the station, so I waited a while and slowly left the station.

I wanted to hide in the vent system. So I went out the back door and saw a fire escape ladder. One the roof, I found the central heat/ air unit and opened the small door that lead to the vent tunnel. It was small and smelled awful. I'm claustrophobic so the whole experience was terrible..even more so because it was lucid. I knew it was a dream, but I was so uncomfortable I really had to work hard at keeping calm. Slowly I reached the first vent, I looked down ... an empty room. I kept crawling and looking for the group of men in the vents. Eventually, I heard voices and stopped to listen. They were in another empty room (the patients roam around during the day).

They were discussing what my plan might be.. they thought I'd be on the roof waiting for them to leave. I heard them leave and knew they were headed to the roof. I realized that I forgot to close the vent door. Surely, they would see it open and act accordingly. Lucidly, I considered leaving, but they probably had some meat-head waiting in the parking lot, plus I'm sure they saw my car. My best bet would be to let them think I escaped the building on foot. I was sure they'd check the prison across the road next.

I thought about getting out of the tunnel and finding a room they might have checked already to hide in.. The vents were so small...How the fuck am I going to get out of here???

The cafeteria probably had a large vent (they usually do).. I was lost and again, I was scared.. I just followed my instinct.. I crawled like mad, turning corners and finding many dead ends. Finally, I saw it.. It was more than big enough!! I reached the vent and wasn't quite sure how to open it. I saw big latches and pulled.. it opened. Unfortunately, it was a long drop .. I just went for it.. I landed on my right shoulder... it hurt! I ran out of the cafeteria.. I didn't want to look at anyone (it was near dinner time and some people were already in the dining area).. I ran into Matt's Granny's room. She was sitting on her bed with her tray, eating. She laughed and asked what I was in such a rush for. I told her I needed to hide. Somehow she understood, and let me do what I needed to do. I greeted Ms. Combs and climbed into her bottom drawer (somehow).

(3rd person) I was cramped and lucidly wondering how the fuck I managed to fit in this tiny drawer. Some time passed, I heard the TV.. I began to feel comfortable, despite the cramped conditions.. Then I heard foot steps enter the room.. the hair on my arms stood and I tried to remain quiet. The black, crooked cop asked Granny if she'd has seen someone by my description.. she said no and went back to eating... they checked the closets and the bathroom anyway. Satisfied, that I couldn't possibly be in the room, they left. I didn't want to stay in the drawer because I was afraid of getting Granny in some kind of trouble.. and just my luck someone would walk in and put something in that drawer, see me, and tell the ''cops''. Once I was sure they left the general area I climbed out and ran to the back of the first floor, found the stairs leading the the second floor, and decided it was a good idea.

I needed to stay in the building until I was sure they exhausted their search.. then I would know the outside would be clear and I could leave..

Upstairs was Methodist hospital.. I began to search the rooms for an empty space. I found a room with a sleeping person, snuck in and found the bathroom. I hid behind the door.. I was getting desperate for them to leave.. I waited for a long time in silence, listening for any sign of them. Eventually, They burst into the room and began to search... they opened the bathroom door. I held my breath and stood still. The bathroom was tiny so they just gave it a once over, and closed the door. I can't believe they didn't see me. I noticed that they didn't bother the patient. So maybe I could act like a patient!

(1st person) I ran down the halls until I saw an empty room. I guess the patient was walking or something. I saw her name on the door. Ms. E****, I can't remember the rest of her last name. I went through her drawers and found a flowered silk moo-moo. I but it on over my clothes and as I was about to hop in bed, I saw Joe (Kyle).. He didn't know anything was going on, so he was all like '' Hi, Evangeline what are you doing here? How are you?''. I grabbed him by the shoulders and told him that I was being chased and I'm pretty sure he's in danger too. After I said it my waking self didn't quite understand, but knew that by virtue of knowing me - he was in trouble.. I told him that we would have to act as patients and wait them out. He agreed.

So, in the moo- moo I found him a room that belongs to a wandering man; he put on a hospital gown and climbed into bed.. He pretended to be asleep. I got back to my room , got in bed and pulled the moo-moo over me more, turned away from the entrance, and closed my eyes. (3rd person) I'm not sure how much time passed but eventually they barged in my room, and began looking under the bed, in the bathrooms, etc. Not once did they, look at me. They left and I stayed there, praying that the actual occupant wouldn't come back for awhile.

I was comfortable in the bed and just waited for some indication that they were gone. A nurse walked by my open door and told another person handling soiled linens, that the building was on lock down - no one could enter or leave. I guess they were waiting me out.

Somehow, I knew that the entrances, parking garages, etc. were controlled by a single computer. I didn't know where to find it, but I climbed out of the hospital bed, threw off the multi-colored floral, silk moo-moo, and wandered the hall. No one noticed me in my scrubs.. so I walked until I found a door that said something like: '' Control room''

I slowly opened the door expecting to find someone at their desk... but.. no.. I assumed lucidly that I entered in the middle of a shift change. I clicked on some icon on the desk top and up popped the controls for the doors, etc. Instead of a password, there was a maze. In the right and upper corner of the maze, was the head of a woman, mid thirties, dirty blond hair... she was hovering around that area and I knew that I couldn't finish the maze until she moved away from the exit...

The last thing I remember was finishing the maze.

I assume, I made it out.
24th-Feb-2010 03:55 pm - Dream realized
Today, I learned that I may be starting at Baptist (yay, yay, yay) before my physical on March 2. I decided to go to the minor medical center to see if they can help with what I've got beforehand. I'm in an odd situation with this. The main reason I even applied for the job was health insurance. Unfortunately, it doesn't kick in until after the 90 day probation period. I need some answers before then, otherwise I may not perform well enough to keep the damn thing thanks to my wandering, desperate mind.

So.. just for the hell of it I thought I'd give it a go. I went and the visit was short.. A nurse checked my blood pressure and oxygen levels; all fine. I was beginning to think the doctor would tell me I had asthma like all the others.. or that I was mad. But she surprised me by telling me to forget the asthma because my lungs are very healthy. I can't believe it. So, I asked her what it could be and she said: heartburn, panic disorder, or an irregular heartbeat. I'm lucky she explained everything to me.

My Dad had one when he was my age. A few pills and no caffeine for a year later, he is fine.. she told me to see my doctor when I can and get one of those silly heart recorders to wear for twenty-four hours. She also said heartburn could be the culprit because when the esophagus is inflamed it can press on the heart and lungs. Both conditions cause panic or can begin via panic.

Anyway, the main reason I'm posting this benign doctor visit is this... drum-roll please... On the ninth, I had a series of visions in my sleep.. all very fast, but I remembered for the most part. I posted it too, but here it is:

pearls.. irregular heart beat...red

I left the center feeling pretty good about the situation.. then it hit me. This woman was wearing a red turtle neck and what appeared to be pearls. She also told me I may have an irregular heart beat.

How fucking creepy! I don't think I have one because I've never felt that (Matt has one and he feels it.. Dad felt his too), but that is so weird!!! I have goosebumps.

Dreams= heebie jeebies
24th-Feb-2010 11:09 am - Matt:
I thought you'd be interested in this since you were mentioning the desert fathers yesterday. I also read about what we were taught in Sunday school about meditation, It's the best explanation I've seen about compassion as a result of union with the 'great mystery'(god as everything seen and unseen:

''In the Eastern Church, contemplation consisted not merely in negation and renunciation (the emphasis in Western Catholicism) but in a deifying union with God's Spirit in an experience of spiritual illumination after all intellectual activity had ceased. This emphasis on deification, called "theosis," had many definite and practical activist applications to ordinary life in the world. "If it were possible for me to find a leper," said one of the Desert Fathers, "and to give him my body and to take his, I would gladly do it. For this is perfect love." Such was the true nature of theosis, or deification. (Apophthegmata, P.G. lxv, Agatho 26.)

Here's your rigpa too:

''All of the Eastern mystics believed that the supreme spiritual experience would be a vision of the Divine and Uncreated Light which was identical with the Jewish Shekinah and the light witnessed by the three disciples which surrounded Jesus on Mt. Tabor at His transfiguration.Because God is light (1 John 1:5), the experience of His energies was said to take the form of light. The hesychast's (Eastern mystic) vision is not of a mere created light, but the Light of the Godhead Itself, the Uncreated Light that surrounded the transfigured Christ on Tabor(rainbow body??). Even though this Light is not a sensible or material light, it can be seen by a man whose senses as well as his soul have been transformed''

I think the idea of 'original sin' is interesting too... most western christians believe that we are all born with a debt to pay and that we are inherently bad... eastern christians believe that it was ignorance that led us to the human nature we have now.. that is the original sin.. we are not born 'bad'.. but ignorant.. or ignorance is what makes us appear 'bad'

Also, you may find it neat that the mystics recited the 'Jesus prayer' with a certain posture and breathing technique to improve concentration. Here's the paper on all of this. Unfortunately much of what the desert fathers did is lost because other christians did not like the straying from Hebrew texts.. I think these guys might have been onto something, though it's hard to tell since so much is gone and what's left appears ignorant thanks to the modern christians and their views. I believe they'd mess their pants if they knew this stuff.

I hope this helps in some way.. After reading some of this stuff I do believe Jesus was taught in the East... or at least had such a connection to the Primordial that it appears as such.


9th-Feb-2010 01:00 pm - Dream
pearls.. irregular heart beat...red
30th-Jan-2010 12:12 pm(no subject)
I've showered all morning... pretty bored, yep.
29th-Jan-2010 01:23 pm - snow :) :) :)
Heeeee heeeeeee!!

I'm trying to convince Mom to make a snow angel...

If by some miracle it actually happens, I will post evidence.

..a true miracle indeed.
28th-Jan-2010 12:59 pm(no subject)
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